Perfectly Attuned

attunedToday’s post revolves around a universal wish for others to be perfectly attuned to our needs, and the resulting disappointment when this is not the case. A woman we have seen for years, who has been experiencing a strong sense of disappointment and loss because her highly anxious mother was never able to really attune to her needs, told us that her son who is about 7 years old, recently told her that he felt deeply disappointed that she was not giving him what he needed emotionally.

Our conversation turned to the topic of this universal wish for a perfectly attuned relationship and resulting disappointment. The closest we get to this level of desired attunement is right around birth when we are completely dependent on our parents; if our parents are relatively present and healthy. As we mature and become more independent, increasingly able to stand on our own two feet, there is an increasing and healthy distancing between us and our main caregivers, which contributes to maturation.

It was a difficult conversation because she had trouble with these two facts:

  • It is not possible to be perfectly attuned, It would require mind reading and completely giving up caring for their own needs.
  • If it were possible to provide that perfect attuned response, the other person would never learn to deal with disappointment and to live independently, which is not good or truly helpful.

Another woman, also a mother, was talking about her disappointment in her husband and how often he fails to respond to her needs. This led to a frank discussion about how disappointing I am as a therapist sometimes.  The tricky part of that conversation was that she had to deal with truly horrendous absences and lapses on the part of her parent. She has done a heroic job trying to provide security for her daughter. When I suggested that the strongly unrealistic wish for perfect attunement was a barrier to getting the positive things that she could get from relationships, she became extremely upset and angry.

Finally, one of the people we saw was a young man who commented that Beauty and the Beast offers a terrible lesson to children: the idea that it is possible to really transform another person and to make up for their failings by providing love.

All of this is not to say that it is not important for parents and partners to try to be as empathic and attuned as possible (or for that matter, benefit).  It is a recognition that the wish have a perfect relationship is an impossible one and, to some extent, a dangerous one.