Breaking up is hard.
(At least for most people – we do know a couple of people – mostly guys – who seem to have made an art of it – but that is another post).
There are things to do and to avoid doing that might make it less painful.
1. Think it through. At some point you are going to want to sit down and really think about what happened. For many people that time is not right after the breakup. You may want to plan on doing this analysis after things have settled down. By making a commitment to really thinking it through carefully you might be able to minimize the tendency for endless “what if” thinking. Just tell yourself that you are going to give it some really good thought, right down the worry or question and move on. When you do think it through it is usually helpful to write out your thoughts. What was good about the relationship and what was bad? In what ways were you well matched, and in what ways poorly matched? Did either or both of you do or say things that tended to make the relationship turn negative? If you did, can you think about why? Are there any similarities to other relationships? If so you may want to think about going to a couple of counselling sessions to figure out how to do things differently. It really is possible to change patterns in relationships.
2. Take a break. Really. It is a good idea for almost every couple going through a break up to take a break from each other. Of course you are mature adults, but the emotional brain that we all share just won’t allow you to move directly from hurt into productive friendship. You might be afraid that taking a break will make a friendship less likely, but our experience is the opposite. If you don’t take a break one or both of you will start doing annoying things that will put any friendship at risk. Or you might think that if you hang around you can get back together. Possibly. But it is almost never a good idea to do that. If you get right back together without any time to think about what happened and why you are almost certainly going to end up right back where you started…
3. Take care of yourself. This is really important now. If you don’t take care of your physical health you are going to feel that you are just as worthless and unattractive as you are afraid you might be. The very best thing to do after a break up is to commit to funnel all of that anger and upset energy into getting as strong and healthy as you can.
4. Look elsewhere. You can’t stop your mind thinking about something (your ex) by trying not to think about it. Doing that inevitably leads you back to the very thought you are trying to avoid. Instead, focus your attention on other things that are potentially interesting. Take up a hobby. Reconnect with friends.
5. Get help. If you aren’t getting over it you might be depressed. See a counselor or your doctor. Sadness that persists for weeks and interferes with your ability to function is not OK.
Here are some useful books that talk about aspects of breaking up and grief.
Moving On: Dump Your Relationship Baggage and Make Room for the Love of Your Life