Healing the Inner Child

healingRight off, we have to say that much of what has been written on this subject sounds pretty flaky.

The problem is that the ideas have been popularized and applied to people and situations where they really didn’t apply. “My ‘inner child’ was wounded by your refusing to pay for the ballet lessons that I wanted,” for example.

And yet the notion of different states of mind that develop in childhood, and are profoundly affected by childhood experiences, and that somehow must be brought together to function in harmony with a “self” that has the fullest view of one’s needs, is an idea that crops up time after time in the history of psychology.

Freud’s id and superego, mastered by the ego, was an early formulation. Freud’s view of the ego was not nearly as compelling as his understanding of the id and of libido.

Jung had a better developed view of the self. And made other modifications to amplify Freud’s theory.

We have always liked the idea of internal “child,” “adult,” and “parent” states of mind articulated by Eric Berne. There are obvious parallels with Freud’s theory (child = id, adult = ego, parent = superego) but the language is less pathologizing and Berne began to recognize that there were different aspects of these three states (the parentified child – trying to to be the parent but clearly incompetent to do so)…

This notion was further developed in the Internal Family Systems model, with the idea that there are many internal child states.. and its re-emphasis on the role of the Self in integrating these different states.

Where is this all heading?

A while ago we were asked how to heal the wounds of a deprived childhood (mother was depressed, father was absent)…

We gave a quick answer about doing a better job of caring for oneself (using the internal parent to do a better job of caring for the internal child than one’s own parents did).

Since then we have been thinking about the question and have come to the conclusion that the idea of understanding the different parts of one’s mind (states of mind, personalities) which developed in childhood (which is neatly articulated in the Internal Family Systems theory) and at the same time working to strengthen the Self (the part that has the long view of life, that focuses on what matters, what our values are) is the work of healing from these injuries.

For more on these ideas, checkout the books below (a diverse group of popular and more abstract writings on the subject).

Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. This is the John Bradshaw book that addresses most clearly the issue of what to do about the wounded inner child. John is a popularist, so some folks won’t like the breezy tone, but the ideas are often very helpful.

Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS. This is another popular psychology book, here about Internal Family Systems theory and how you might use it on your own to do some of the work. It comes highly recommended.

Internal Family Systems Therapy. A technical book written mostly for therapists.

I’m OK, You’re OK. A classic in the field of transactional analysis.