Why are some people able to move through difficult situations, and others seem to get stuck in them? A lot of what distinguishes people who lead successful lives from those who struggle has to do with how much we are affected by negative events. There isn’t really much we can do to avoid setbacks (even the fabulously successful people have had those), but minimizing negative effects can sometimes be the key to getting where we want to go.
In the field of psychology, there has been a lot of focus recently on the idea that something called “resilience” is what distinguishes people who do better facing adversity.
The American Psychological Association suggests “10 Ways to Build Resilience”, which are:
- maintaining good relationships with close family members, friends and others;Staying connected with others works because other people are less likely to get “caught up” in the negative events.Why don’t you contact one good friend or trusted family member. Before you do that, think about what it is about them that you really value. Have this firmly in mind when you reach out to them. This will remind you of things that are good and positive in your life. And get you out of your thoughts of the setback you recently faced. For more on this topic go to “Staying Connected” on this site.
- to avoid seeing crises or stressful events as unbearable problems;
People who are pessimistic tend to see problems as pervasive. This isn’t just one setback it represents a pattern that exists everywhere in my life. Instead of focusing on the “deeper lessons” of a situation (if I can only see the “meaning” of this I will understand what my fatal flaw is…), think about the boundaries of the problem. Let’s say your boyfriend breaks up with you, notice that you are still successful at work, you still have good friends, you are still healthy, etcetera. Look at the limits of what is wrong.
- to accept circumstances that cannot be changed;We really like Reinhold Niebuhr’s famous prayer:
God, give us – Grace to accept with serenity, the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish, the one from the other.For more on the topic of acceptance, look for the post entitled “Acceptance.”
- to develop realistic goals and move towards them;
“Begin with the end in mind” is another quote that sticks in our mind. It is from Stephen Covey’s very well known book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It is very helpful to have a set of goals that you keep clearly in your mind. Many people find it useful to write them down. For that kind of planning, we really like the Franklin Covey planners. Unlike typical planners, they encourage you to keep the “big picture” in mind. For more on this topic go to the topic “Getting Where We Want to Go.”
- to take decisive actions in adverse situations;
One of the hardest things to do when you are struggling with a difficult situation is to decide and move forward. It can seem that the situation is so complicated that you have to completely understand it in order to decide, and since that is impossible, you end up trapped. But often once you get moving, you will find new possibilities emerge, and you can then correct your course. Check out the “Tacking” entry.
- to look for opportunities of self-discovery after a struggle with loss;
Silly really, but we think of this as “making lemonade” when life gives you lemons. What are the things that you can learn from the events that just took place. Not in a global sense (I learned that I was pathetic) but in a very specific sense (I learned that I need to pay attention to certain warning signs that I am overreaching and they are…). You may find it useful to write these down, that will also tend to keep you from getting trapped in your emotional brain.
- developing self-confidence;
Well, I survived… Honestly that is sometimes the best that we can say when we face catastrophe. But that is something. We are not arguing that you should adopt a view that is all rosy and cheerful of terrible events. But there are some things that you did that were positive (yes, we know, you may not think so, but we are sure that they exist), and those also need to be recognized.
- to keep a long-term perspective and consider the stressful event in a broader context;People who give up easily believe that the causes of bad events are permanent. Bad events are permanent and will always be there. Watch for the words that you use when you think about the recent events… Instead of using words like “always” and “never” use “sometimes” and “lately”.
- to maintain a hopeful outlook, expecting good things and visualizing what is wished;
This one is the hardest for us to embrace. Feeling hopeful and expecting good things may be a bit of a stretch (although having clear goals in mind is a good idea). if you find it hard to do, maybe you can at least maintain your sense of humor about setbacks. 10 years from now, when you look back at this and laugh, what will be funny?
- to take care of one’s mind and body, exercising regularly, paying attention to one’s own needs and feelings.
This is a pretty big one. Definitely getting physically stronger and healthier is an important thing to focus on when facing adversity. What is the one thing that you can start to do that will make you feel stronger… Getting started with a healthy habit is similar to stopping a bad habit. For more on this topic go to “Changing Bad Habits.”