Good relationships are one of the foundations of creative living. In another post, we talked about one of the most effective therapies for people with bipolar: Interpersonal Social Rhythm Therapy (IPSRT). In that post we focused on regular routines (the SRT part) but equally important in that therapy was paying attention to the quality of interpersonal relationships and particularly addressing destructive patterns in those relationships.
Depression can devastate relationships many ways, but one of the most common, and sometimes overlooked ways, is by making it hard to notice the positive things in a partner. One of our favorite authors about relationships, Dr. John Gottman, performed a number of studies of successful relationships and unsuccessful relationships and developed a tool that predicted which relationships would last with reasonably good accuracy.
A key aspect of that tool was assessing the ratio of positive to critical comments made when the two partners talked to each other. In successful relationships positive comments outnumbered critical comments by a factor of more than 5:1. Right now, while you are thinking about it, start a tally of positive versus negative or critical comments in your relationship. You may be surprised by how often you, or your partner, are negative or critical of each other… And then check out one of the books below that can help you to change that pattern for good.
- Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work by Matthew McKay PhD
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman
- Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman and Joan Declaire
- The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman
- Making Marriage Work (DVD) by Dr. John Gottman