Should you stop mourning during a religious holiday? Is mourning something odd, and distinct from regular life? Should people in mourning hide it because it’s a “downer” for others?
No, no, and no. Psychologists, counselors and pastors often remind us that “some people find the holidays difficult for personal reasons” as if those people should be some kind of a protected class. But the reality is that mourning is a part of life. Everyone’s life.
Grief is emotional: raw, unmanageable, and unpredictable. It hits hard at unexpected moments, and sometimes just fades into the background for a while. But mourning is a process: a life-long weaving of loss into life. It never goes away, it just changes character through all our stages.
And holidays are times when our losses seem more distinct and present. My own mother has been gone for more than 30 years, but it’s still at Christmas that I see her face and hear her voice most vividly. Why not? Those were beautiful and intense times for a child and young adult. Of course the memories come clearer at this time.
Mourning is not only for people who have died. We mourn lost work, lost homes, lost causes. At some level we all mourn our lost childhood, especially when we remember the childlike excitement and wonder of the holidays. Acknowledging it, reflecting on it, and speaking about it is a responsibility of adulthood, not some kind of failure.
It is often thought that mourning poses special problems for people struggling with mental illness, as if they could or should be somehow shielded from death and loss, but we all need to venture into the deeps and learn the skills of integrating the shadows and lights of our own life. A time of loss is hard for the mentally ill and the mentally healthy alike. You have to keep on managing your illness and your medications while also riding out a storm of other feelings and needs.
This post doesn’t end with a list of “tips and tricks”. Just be gentle with yourself. Forgive your mistakes and failings. Reach out and share the celebrations and the empty places. Look at the stars and find your place in the universe. Blessed be.
~ Nancy
More on the holidays from MoodSurfing:
https://moodsurfing.com/holidays-and-mood/
https://moodsurfing.com/dealing-with-family-over-the-holidays/