My name is Elisabeth Berger. I am 41 years old and I am from the Tyrolean mountains in Austria. I am going to write occasionally for this blog. I received a bipolar II diagnosis relatively late, just a little more than two years ago and I was treated for depression before. I am planning to apply for admission to graduate school in psychology in the USA. I think that my bipolar condition could help me to become a good psychologist since it comes natural to me to work with emotions.
I do trust my psychiatrist and my psychologist – both women. They seem to be pretty sure that I have a mood disorder, so I am convinced that I have one.
The diagnosis feels like a new narration of my life. I understood what I experienced as bipolar symptoms to be a result of suppressed emotions from childhood – which is a psychoanalytic explanation. Now, with the diagnosis of Bipolar II, I am told that these moods just ‘happen’ – due to brain chemistry. This new interpretation changed my view of myself. My present moods are not any more dependent necessarily on past emotions. On the other hand, there is now another handy excuse for my difficulties – my brain chemistry.
Especially when I was first diagnosed, I had a critical voice within me which claimed that this diagnosis was merely a construct rather than real. Wasn’t “Bipolar II” simply a diagnostic label that I have been assigned to? Am I not more than a diagnostic label? Is it not more complicated than this? Didn’t I merely miss structure, a sense of direction, social contact, sex, walks in the woods, sunshine, – wouldn’t it be perfectly normal to get “sick” under my life circumstances? I felt like I needed to deal with my issues rather than just take medication.
Interestingly, my condition seemed to get worse coinciding with the diagnosis. Did my symptoms get worse because I did not want to accept this label of bipolar? It rather seemed that the stress of being diagnosed with a “mental illness” worsened the condition…
…since the stress was considerable. During my darker moods, I deeply resented having a “mental illness”. It felt my life was over. I felt like I needed to keep my stress levels down for the rest of my life – not attempt anything, no expectations. Were my plans for the future just delusions? How could I possibly continue with my studies, since studying added stress to my life? It felt like I had brought this illness upon myself: With an erratic work style; a lack of sleep; Panic attacks, which I calmed with alcohol. I felt guilty.
It helped me to see bipolarity as a ‘condition’ rather than an illness. A condition to be managed – also with medication. The re-naming of bipolar as a condition versus a disorder took the edge a little bit off. A sense of urgency diminished. On the other hand I had come to resent the alleged need to implement a regular schedule of daily living. Getting up and going to bed regularly every day no more coffee, no more alcohol, no more inspired nights – how boring.
I noticed that my thoughts about the diagnosis change with my moods as they also changed over time. Right now I want to keep my thoughts about the diagnosis as positive as possible. I know I need to accept my condition. I try. “It is what it is” is my new mantra. It simplifies things. And there are also advantages – I will never get bored with my emotions!
I see that some speak about the advantages of bipolar. I feel that this is still in the future for
me discerning it’s advantages. I would like to be able to not seek to be free of my symptoms but rather to learn to use my bipolar symptoms creatively – to my advantage. But how? I continue to wonder…