Some people actually do have a pleasant, comfortable relationship with their extended family members, and enjoy getting together with them on special days. But I think most people have some reservations, some dread, some reluctance to plunge into another holiday family get-together. Old feuds, old secrets, ongoing expectations, and new in-laws, new plans, new politics… it can all add up to a tense and conflict-laden holiday visit.
In listening to patients describe their family dynamics over the years, we have found a few pointers that seem to be helpful to a lot of us. Keep these recommendations in mind over the next few weeks:
- Nobody will get persuaded. When the holidays are over, you will still have your opinions and they will still have theirs. Persuasion is not really a thing when it comes to politics, religion or lifestyle. We have all grown into our ways of thinking and being, and we aren’t interested in reasons to be different. So don’t try to override someone else’s opinion with your own, better one. It never works. Just listen and try to understand what they think and why. Later there may (or may not) be an opening to explain what you think and why, but not why they should agree with you.
- You may not understand where they’re coming from. Instead of getting sucked into a long debate where you argue your position without understanding theirs and they argue their position without understanding yours, just try observing them. Be an anthropologist among a strange tribe and try to learn their ways. Ask questions. Take notes. Try the old trick of restating their words until they say “yeah, that’s what I meant”.
- People love to talk. You can just keep asking them questions about themselves and they will keep telling you stuff, and you don’t ever have to give out your own side, unless you think there’s an opening there. Otherwise, just say, “oh, really, and then what?” and let them do all the talking. By listening, you may find areas of common ground that you didn’t know were there.
- Keep your boundaries. Keep your own counsel. People will express their own opinion about what you should be or do, and you don’t have to yell at them when they’re wrong. Sometimes you can ignore it altogether or just say “well that’s not really me” and leave it at that. Only try to explain yourself if it seems like they’re giving you an opening to speak, otherwise, let it go.
Holiday gatherings can be stressful, there’s no doubt about that. But with just a little reframing, you can spend the time getting to know others better instead of fighting off their wrong ideas. Who knows, some of those people might turn out to be allies once you get to know them better!