Sometimes helping someone deal with their moods can seem a bit like being a gynecologist in Victorian England. How can you help someone with something (sex, or depression) when the topic itself is off limits.
We are exaggerating, but there are so many ways that the idea that “depression is depressing” interferes with actually dealing with the mood.
Not to mention the funny replies you get if you tell someone that you are a psychiatrist at a cocktail party… Or the occasional comment from a patient along the lines of – “How can you do the work that you do?”
Today we were talking with a charming, very competent, bright, woman who is a professional, mother, wife, community leader, and just generally the image of successful adult living. She brought in a conversation with her mother that set her off.
Her mother, it turns out, has for years asked the question, “Are you a happy girl?” And this has always set the daughter off down a path of doubt and anxiety about the occasional, well managed, depressive dips that she has.
Further exploration revealed that in many, many ways, this question was part of a consistent pattern of behavior on her mother’s part that made it clear to the daughter that it was not “OK” to acknowledge any feelings of sadness or depression. These would overwhelm her mother with anxiety and would create such a level of upset that the daughter learned that she had to keep such thoughts to herself.
As it happens, this observation explained a curious pattern that had developed over the years in our work together. Although the daughter (my client) was very effective in a business world and reliably completed very complicated projects, she simply could not get herself to do even the simplest homework between sessions.
What emerged was an extension of the “depression is depressing” idea. Thinking about depression in a serious way between sessions was too scary. It could only be discussed in session. Of course, as we thought about this some more, we realized that this was an idea that derived from her childhood and which was no longer relevant to her adult life.
So, next time you find yourself avoiding thinking about your moods, ask yourself why. It may be a holdover from your own childhood. Thinking about moods does not have to be depressing, it can be intriguing, satisfying, many other things as well. And if you can’t think about it it is going to be hard to live with your mood creatively.