The process of change often makes us think of the shape of a parabola. Imagine, if you will, a graph in which time is along the horizontal axis and successful living is along the vertical axis (the higher you are on the vertical axis the better you are doing).
Often, when people come to see us for a consultation they have been following the left hand side of the graph (things are getting worse).
The getting worse process begins with what seems like a freefall downwards on the far left hand side.
Imagine that against this constant worsening of life’s quality the person is mounting a fairly constant effort trying to get things to improve.
At first, that effort results only in a very small slowing down of the negative change that’s taking place. In other words, there’s no forward progress at all but things are getting worse less quickly.
Then, after a great deal of effort, the process of worsening slows down and ultimately stops.
At this point, the person is often quite discouraged, perhaps even more discouraged than at the start. Now that they are not preoccupied with the crisis of life falling apart, they can really see for the first time what has happened and how far things have gone in the wrong direction.
With continued effort, there is some small improvement. Here is where the key point in the process occurs. A great deal of effort has gone into making a very small forward progress. Now that there is some progress there may be more discouragement. The rate of progress is so slow, and takes so much effort, that it seems the goal will never be reached.
Often this is where people give up.
The stage of early progress is critical. It is the time that needs the most support and celebration. People need to share their confidence that the work has been worthwhile and point out that positive change can build momentum just as negative change often does.
Later, when change begins to accelerate in a positive direction, there’s really no longer a need for support and recognition of the effort. The results themselves become extremely rewarding.
What we have been describing is often complicated by a couple of types of “extraordinary” change. On the one hand, there are times when a sudden change happens almost overnight. These are the times when it seems as though we are touched by some divine inspiration, having wrestled with how to change for years, all of a sudden we make the change. On the other hand, there can be a sudden relapse, a dramatic step backwards perhaps due to some trigger.
This dramatic change may not be quite as sudden as it seems, often part of what makes it dramatic is that the person has not been aware of unconscious processes at work preparing for either a sudden improvement or reversal.
Stories of sudden positive change may have the effect of discouraging the hard work of ordinary change. However it is our experience that often the work that goes into ordinary change sets the stage for extraordinary change.