We had an interesting conversation this morning about the reality of romantic relationships… which ended up being about much more than relationships…
When I did more couple’s counselling, I often would think to myself, these two folks are coming in here complaining about each other. But really, if they want to know if the relationship is a good one and should continue wouldn’t it be better if they “gave it a go” – meaning that they really tried to make the relationship as good as it can be – and then decided if it was time to move on.
Back to the song. If you recall the whole phrase is “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you are with…”
Fine, but how does that relate… I mean shouldn’t you just be with the one you love?
Here is the problem, you (me, everyone) can’t be with the one you love in the sense of the one true love, that ideal person who will make you feel wonderful and take away all your anxieties about yourself. That person doesn’t exist. It is the tragic counterpoint to our Disney fairy tale introduction to what romance is supposed to be about. The prince who rescues the poor girl from her sad life.
Love the one you are with doesn’t mean you can’t love anyone else. There isn’t anyone with a strong connection to their feelings who lives in a committed relationship without feeling attraction to another person.
But often the damage of those feelings of attraction (whether acted out or not) is the sense of the loss of connection as the other person unconsciously withdraws love from the partner to daydream about the other person.
In other words, it isn’t so much what you do with the real or imaginary lover when you are on your own, it is how that person leads to a loss of connection when you are with your partner.
Love the one you are with means that you should be present with your partner when you are together… not thinking about how you wish he or she were different, or you were with someone different.
The other thing about the Cinderella story is that it is inherently about being powerless. Maybe you will find that ideal other who will solve all your problems. Or not.
Love the one you are with is about the power that you have to make this real relationship as good as it can be.
And of course there isn’t someone perfect. After all that someone perfect would have to be a perfect (and ever changing in tune with your needs) mix of passionate… and stable… energetic… and calm…. quiet…. and social.