Recent research points to vulnerability as an important component of deep, meaningful connection to others and to life. But, for some, just hearing the word can conjure up strong feelings of fear. But what is vulnerability exactly? What is its relationship to mood? And, if it is such a good thing, what is the fear about?
Vulnerability can be simply defined as taking an emotional risk. When you act vulnerably, you are exposing the truth of your feelings with the knowledge that the outcome cannot be guaranteed. We make ourselves vulnerable when we ask someone out on a date (He or she might say no!). We make ourselves vulnerable when we share intimate and private details of our lives with close friends (They might laugh at me!). We make ourselves vulnerable when we share something about ourselves that opens us up to judgment and criticism (My boss might pass me up for a promotion!).
In the treatment of anxiety, I often ask patients to consider sharing their anxious feelings with the people in their lives. (You may not be surprised to hear that this often elicits a “Hell no!” look from patients!) For example, when someone is struggling with social anxiety, I might encourage them to say something like this to a colleague, “I get pretty nervous at the team meetings and that’s why I don’t speak up.” This is often the socially anxious person’s greatest fear! They spend so much time and energy trying to conceal their anxiety that confessing it seems like it will make things much worse.
If they are willing to take that step—if they are willing to be vulnerable in that way, to expose their struggle—what they often find is that the results are totally opposite of what they predict. Before this kind of interaction, they predict they will be shamed, made fun of, ostracized, and their anxiety will go through the roof. Knowing that we can’t predict the future, we must acknowledge that those are possibilities. However, can you guess what happens 90% of the time? Most of the time they get reassuring feedback, an offer to help, and a reduction in nerves. Being transparent or vulnerable with your feelings is a potent strategy in managing anxiety.
Similarly when people are feeling sad or depressed, the instinct is to hide away. “I don’t want to burden my friends.” “No one wants to hear me complain about my life.” “They will think I’m weak if I tell them how I feel.” As in the anxiety example above, when encouraged to share how they have been feeling, most times they receive encouraging feedback and end up feeling a bit better and more connected with people.
So if we have this potent mood lifter and people connecter, why are we so reluctant to be vulnerable? In short, we tend to believe that sharing deep, painful feelings or struggles means we are weak. Though true for both men and women, this association is especially true for men who are encouraged to be emotionally in control at all times.
If you are willing to experiment, you may find that sharing your struggle, being vulnerable, results in deeper connection. And, the person listening may offer the most reassuring response to your disclosure: “Me too.”
To learn more about the connection between vulnerability, mood, and life satisfaction, check out these books by vulnerability researcher Brené Brown.
- Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown (Sep 11, 2012)
- I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough” by Brené Brown (Dec 27, 2007)
- The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown (Sep 1, 2010)
- Vulnerability by Brené Brown