Many years ago, a consultant we worked with made the observation that there are always at least four people in any intimate relationship. And often, six or more.
The four people are (in the case of heterosexual relationship) the man, his female partner, his introjected mother (the internal mother that developed from his childhood), and his partner’s introjected father.
Often, the other two parents are present as well.
What do we mean by this?
We were talking to a very delightful young woman, whose husband had just had an important birthday. They had been getting along extremely well and everything seemed to be perfect in their relationship. However, on his birthday, he suddenly became extremely angry and starting berating her for all of her flaws. He became quite cruel and she was extremely upset.
Fortunately, this kind of behavior was very rare in their relationship, and the next day, her husband was very contrite, and asked for her forgiveness, and made many apologies.
However, it was not easy for her to move on from her upset, particularly since she, as a young child, was physically and sexually abused by her father, and this expression of irrational rage was a big trigger for her.
She found herself thinking “men are not able to care for me.”
My hunch about what had happened was borne out by our conversation.
In essence, her husband, fairly typically, didn’t have much psychological awareness, particularly as it related to feelings of fear and vulnerability. He carried within him the notion that perhaps some woman (an ideal mother) could take away all his pain, unhappiness, and insecurity.
On the occasion of his birthday, he was reminded of the fact that even though he was now married, he still suffered from those doubts and insecurities. This triggered his anger.
The entire dynamic, especially the extreme emotional reaction, was classic for what we call a “transference,” meaning that the emotions in a relationship are derived from experiences in past relationships that are being “transferred” onto the current ones.
So, her husband was seeking in his relationship with his wife the perfect mother that he wished for as a child, the one who could take away all of his pain. His birthday reminded him that another year had gone by without getting what he wanted.
Meanwhile, she was reacting to him as though he was her cruel and abusive father.
So… whenever there are extreme emotional reactions look for past experiences that might be contributing to them.