Misunderstandings. There are so many ways that we can misunderstand each other. We like the Myers Briggs for its non-pathologizing approach to understanding and describing the differences among human beings. Yesterday we were talking to a young woman who told us of a “classic” misunderstanding that potentially could have had a catastrophic outcome. The young woman was talking with her …
Men are from Mars: How Gender Affects Communication
Men and women sometimes don’t seem to be speaking the same language, and this is certainly true when it comes to discussing emotions. A young woman we have been coaching was thinking about a conversation she needed to have with her father about something that she was sure was going to be very upsetting to him… but she also knew …
Loving Kindness or Metta
Love is something that if you give it away, give it away, you’ll end up having more… Last Sunday at church there was a children’s chorus singing, and this was one of the songs. It seemed very familiar… The cultivation of loving-kindness (mettā bhāvanā) is a popular form of meditation in Buddhism. In some Buddhist traditions, the meditator begins cultivating loving-kindness …
Parenting and Oxytocin
Those of us who have been parents probably remember moments of incredible attachment to our children. Times when we were happy to just hold them while they were sleeping, and nothing else in the world seemed important. It is a state that is somewhat like the experience of new love. Recent research suggests that part of what creates that state …
Making Good Relationships: 4 Behaviors Predictive of Divorce
In a previous post we talked about our view that what is most important in successful long term relationships is not so much who we choose but how we build the relationship (of course, if you choose someone without morals or who is seriously disturbed, this doesn’t probably apply to you). But we deferred discussing what it takes to make …
Buy or Make: Theories of Romantic Relationships
Every once in a while we find ourselves reflecting on lessons learned in a lifetime of coaching and counseling people. How we might have lived our lives differently had we known then what we know now. This afternoon, talking to a young man about romantic relationships, we found ourselves thinking about our own relationships, and the relationships of the many …
Vulnerability
Recent research points to vulnerability as an important component of deep, meaningful connection to others and to life. But, for some, just hearing the word can conjure up strong feelings of fear. But what is vulnerability exactly? What is its relationship to mood? And, if it is such a good thing, what is the fear about? Vulnerability can be simply defined as taking an emotional …
Doctors Part 1
Managing your relationships with doctors can be a challenge. Here are a few tips that might help. It all begins with finding good doctors. In many parts of the country this can be hard. There may not be many choices. Start with a list of “candidates” – For a primary care doctor – look under “internal medicine”, “family practice” or …
Staying Connected: How to Maintain Communication Even When You’re Not in the Mood
Let’s say you’re having one of those shabby old days when your mood’s in the gutter and you’re in the doldrums.If you’re feeling grim and can’t face the thought of a conversation of any kind? How can you possibly do the connecting thing at times like this? Here are five ideas: Opt for a more indirect channel of communication such as …
Breaking Up: How to Cope
Breaking up is hard. (At least for most people – we do know a couple of people – mostly guys – who seem to have made an art of it – but that is another post). There are things to do and to avoid doing that might make it less painful. 1. Think it through. At some point you are …
“Too Dependent”
From time to time we hear people complaining that they’re too dependent or that someone they know is too dependent on them. Usually the proposed solution is for that person to become more independent. The trouble is that this doesn’t work. People who have normal needs for social interaction are not able to be independent in the way that we …
Heroism
Heroism can be bad for your health. We know, we’ve been there. It starts with a positive feeling about someone or some group of people, then there is the recognition that they have suffered injustice (or are suffering for some other reason) and ends up in a wish to solve their problem (s). What a wonderful world it would be …
Narcissism
“You’re such a narcissist!” It’s easy to see why people with moods are often accused of being narcissistic. When we are depressed we become focused on ourselves and our mood and our pain. This is also what happens to people with chronic pain of other types. And when we are manic, we become preoccupied with our importance and specialness. But …
Relationships and Chronic Depression
Many people with depression, particularly if they have been depressed for a long time, develop a pattern of interacting with others that is designed to protect them from disappointment. Avoiding disappointment is obviously a good thing, but it can lead to relationships that are not satisfying. Addressing relationship issues is important. Almost everybody who is unsatisfied with their relationships can …
Anger: Its Different Types and How to Manage it
Righteous anger is a powerful force for change in the world. But some folks seem to live in anger all the time, and for them, and those around them, anger can become a trap. As others pull away from them they feel more helpless, and more angry. How to break this vicious cycle? There are many types of anger: Chronic …
Negotiation: How to Deal With Conflict
Some of the best ways of dealing with conflicts in relationships, whether business or personal, are contained in the books about negotiation written by Roger Fisher and William Ury. In our own lives and in the lives of people we have counseled we have often seen a situation that seemed to be incredibly scary and full of potential catastrophe turn …
The Importance of Good Relationships
Good relationships are one of the foundations of creative living. In another post, we talked about one of the most effective therapies for people with bipolar: Interpersonal Social Rhythm Therapy (IPSRT). In that post we focused on regular routines (the SRT part) but equally important in that therapy was paying attention to the quality of interpersonal relationships and particularly addressing …